My Journey to Hell, My Salvation from it ALL
“Therefore we must pay closer attention to what we have heard, lest we drift from it”
“How shall we escape if we neglect such a great salvation?”
“He himself likewise partook of the same things, that through death he might destroy the one who has power of death, that is the devil… for because he himself has suffered when tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted.”
“If you continue down this path you will die”, she said staring me directly in the eyes, “How far down do you have to go in order to stop? Holly, this will kill you.”
I knew her words were true for I had already stared death in the face on multiple occasions. That one fateful night I felt death creeping in, he shivered up my spine, my breathing slowed almost completely stopped from the handful of pills I had taken. It was a deathly concoction of hydrocodone, ativan, skelaxin, and ambien all washed down with a bottle of wine. Death came to visit me that night, I could feel him creeping in, inching closer and closer. Suddenly I was afraid. I stumbled to my dresser, fumbled around till I found pen and paper. My vision narrowed, everything was blurry, seeing double, the room spun about around me. I have stopped breathing, I fall to the floor. It doesn’t hurt, I don’t feel anything except fear. I must hurry for my time is running short. I find the pen and manage to scribble the words I so desperately needed to write. Then I heard a voice. It was calm, beautiful and it said one word, “breathe”. I gasped for air forcing my lungs to expand. The air filled them, but I forgot what to do next. I could feel my heart slowing. Working extraneously with each contraction to continue to pump blood to my veins. “Exhale” he said. I pushed the air out of my lungs. “Breathe”, he told me again. Suddenly I was cold. My body shaking, convulsing. I clutched the note to my chest with trembling hands. My stomach tightened. I crawled to the bathroom and spewed vomit from my dry cracked lips. The floor felt like ice on my skin. Death was near, he is coming for me. My head begins to nod. “You cannot fall asleep”, He said. I knew if I fell asleep I would never wake up. Where is my paper? Where is my note? Panic sets in. I needed it, those five words were everything. I stumbled back to the floor in my room and snatched the paper with quivering fingers. I held the paper in front of my face to be sure it was legible. I read the words aloud, “I never meant to die”…then everything went black.
Obviously I did not die that night because I am here writing this story. My story of how I journeyed to hell and my salvation from it all. You see that night frightened me but not enough. I continued to use and drink. I have come close to death on multiple occasions and continually put myself in harms way. In fact, there is no reason for me to be alive today. Looking back it is nothing short of God’s grace that kept me alive. But even knowing that did not bring me running back to his arms. Today, I am still lost. I know the way but my life does not seem all that bad. I binge here and there and take pills if I happen to come in contact with them. But you see I am drifting further and further away from the truth of God’s Word. It is the little things you see. Things that a viewed as normal and acceptable by the world’s standards but I know in my innermost being that they are wrong. But the thing is I enjoy it. I love my life of sin, but it is slowly chipping away all the good in me. It is not the big things that do the most damage but the small things. The areas that are shaded in gray. Things that do not seem wrong but in all reality they are. The small things are easy to justify. It is not easy to justify murdering someone. It is on the other hand fairly easy to justify taking that one little pill, or taking that one drink. It is too easy and I have become the master at justification. Now it hardly seems wrong to take one drink, to take one pill, but the thing is with me it is never just one pill or never just one drink. One drink turns into the entire bottle, one pill turns into stealing as many as I can get my hands on. My curse is that of more. More of anything to change my perception. More of anything to make me numb and to nor care, more of anything to silence the thoughts in my head. More. More. More. Never satisfied until I drink myself into oblivion. I care too much. Some say it is a gift but I say it is a curse. I want to escape from it all, even to the point of death. Unfortunately it is not my time to die. The Lord has protected me thus far from death but when does that protection end, when does His grace and mercy dry up? How much longer will He continue to protect me when I deliberately disobey Him and spit on his salvation he has so freely given? If I continue down this path my life will end, I will die. I know these things logically, but I fail to truly believe them. I am told by many these things, that my life will be destroyed, that death is on my doorstep. At times I believe, but most of the time we do not. What will it take for me to truly see the severity of my situation? I know not the answer. I stay on the path for a while but soon after lose hope and my feet run back to the arms of my lover, my beautiful drug. Oh how he comforts me. Oh how he will kill me, stealing the life from my veins. So why continue? At times I feel that I have no choice in the matter and I think this is true but other times I know I can choose, but when I have the capacity to choose I choose wrongly. Why do I have this constant desire to escape, what is this awful gut wrenching pain in my heart, the emptiness, the hole in my heart that was forcibly torn out. I need it to be filled, not with drugs, not with alcohol, not with sex but with the love of the almighty, the love of the great healer, the love of my heavenly father, the love of my savior, the love of the one who took my sin and shame, the love of the one who created me, who rescued me from myself. God I am ready and willing. Fill me with your Love.